Battles.

depression

I’m battling the world by myself, I mean my own world inside my head, the demons that come out to play, the ones that make you feel like I’m going crazy, so crazy I begin to believe it.

Looking around for help but feeling trapped, never know whether to turn left or right or continue going straight, not knowing whether to keep my thoughts bottled or just spill it out, but spill out what?! Not even I understand what’s going on upstairs, it’s just blurry, I keep rubbing my eyes to see if the blur will become clear but nothing works.

In and out of moods, constantly going from good to worse, shouting at people for no good reason at all because my mood won’t stay consistent, I need help I know that but who do I turn to, friends, family or professionals they will think I’m mad, they’ll tell me to ‘stop complaining, the world doesn’t revolve around you’ but my world revolves around me and everything I do, I make rash decisions here and there, I look in the mirror and stare for countless amount of minutes thinking ‘what’s happening to me’ or ‘where did I go so wrong’ from my youthful days to me slowly going into an adult I’ve changed, life half there, life half falling apart, being told this wasn’t your chosen career path go do what you want, but I am doing what I want to do, I’m experimenting I’m building my resume to my best ability.

Life is such a mess, I have such a big heart but my head is full of stress, I’m an open ear to everyone and anyone, but I’m judgmental too but it’s not always a bad thing, everyone else judges so why can’t I, but I’m not being a sheep I’m just being me.

My head keeps circling around and around, I want to do good but I’m made out to be like I’m doing bad, I want to succeed but I want others to do too it’s all just a mess I haven’t a clue.

I lounge around all day not because I want to but simply because I have no energy, energy is here one day and gone the next, fake smiles, fake laughs, fake friends, I’m really not daft, fake support, fake well dones my life feels like a draft, but it’s not I can’t open it and edit and change things here and there I just have to live it and be brave.

The person I loved is now gone, it hurts so much, my heart screams for him to come back but I know deep down he won’t, but if he ever did it would be a blessing in disguise, we have things we need to work on but I’m prepared to work for it, I want this one person more than ever, but yo that’s life, can’t have everything.

Can’t seem to move on to anyone else, it’s fucked man, how can one person have such an effect on my heart, such an effect on my brain, I’m heartless but I have heart, it’s beating I’m living, but living for who?

Always asking do I miss you, miss, who? I miss myself, I miss who I used to be, so many ambitions I used to have, they’re slowly fading away I try to hold on but everyone is just slipping through my fingers, sometimes I wave goodbye and hope to see them again one day. One day you’ll ask “do you miss me” you’ll see a smile appear on my face and I will be able to nod and agree, but right now I miss who I once used to be.

I wish I could just talk 140 characters a day that’s all I need, I text more than talk, I love my voice and I can come out with the funniest one liners, but I’m more of a mute kind of person, I don’t like to talk too much, I don’t like people being too inna, if you’ve been with me from the start, have you noticed anything? Do you still think I’m the same? Do I only see it, or do you too? Just thoughts, just random thoughts.

It’s weird, I pray for myself well I try, I have others on my mind more, is that why I’m not succeeding, I think of others more than my own self, will these others think of me when I die? Will they say a prayer? These others will never know who they are, I pray for a reason and my reasons will always be unknown.

It’s my time to sign out, these are words, thoughts I had to get out of my head immediately, it’s weird I’ve written them down and released them to the world to see, but I feel better within myself, if any of my readers feel a type of way on this small small blog, like if you feel like it’s relatable, or you generally want to talk, I’m here to talk about anything and everything, if you know me personally then you’ll know my replies are very much delayed, but I’m working on them! Mental health, physical health are very much close to me, I see people go through it every day, whether they talk or write it down you can always kind of tell, but like I said I’m here, anything you tell me will not be further talked about to anyone, I respect people’s privacy and always will.

God bless to everyone.

Teeks X

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